Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
I remember when I watched the first Hangover movie with my ex-girlfriend. We were in high school...so how we got into an R-rated movie in the first place is beyond me...in fact, even back then I didn't know how we got in.
When we watched it, it was hilarious. My sister's teacher said that the beginning was really slow but I didn't see it. I liked the beginning of the movie. It showed the characters before the shit hits the fan...
And then the shit it's the fan...and it is hilarious. It was fun. It was enjoyable. And I would want to see it again. I didn't even think that there would be a sequel because the 1st movie was so self contained.
So, when the sequel was announced, I wasn't surprised since the 1st one made money...also, I didn't care.
When the movie came out, everybody said the same thing: It was the 1st movie except in a different location. I thought it was ok. It was pretty much the same thing...that's my main compliant.
Now...this movie series is a perfect example of people not knowing what they want. The 1st movie...everybody liked. The 2nd movie was the same and people didn't like it.
Then, there's the 3rd movie which does something completely different...and people still complain about it...
The moral of the story is that there should never have been Hangover sequels...oh, and the 3rd movie sucked,
It starts off with man-child Alan taking a giraffe from the zoo and, driving on his way home, decapitates it, accidently. After that, among other things, it has been decided that he should go to a mental hospital, with Phil, Stu and Doug drive him there.
Then, the plot comes in with an antagonist played by John Goodman. After, a few events of the 1st movie, Ken Jeong's character, Chow, is involved...and more or less annoying than the other movies...I don't know. So, after some...things...the bad guy takes away Doug...who is always wasted in these movies, has anyone noticed that.
So...I would tell you about the plot but it's just about getting gold in exchange for Doug. That's it. Wasn't the first movie about 4 guys drinking and waking up to a complete mess? There was a scene in the 3rd movie where the characters were fighting Chow in a hotel room during a coke party. I'm like...
Am I watching a completely different movie?
So...just watch the movie. It's worse than the last sequel. Just remember you're watching a sequel...to a Hangover movie. Keep reminding yourself that.
Friday, November 1, 2013
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie a year ago. A friend sent me a link on my facebook.
It was the latest Tim Burton movie! And, at first, I was kind of excited. The trailer made it look fun and comedic. My friend actually suggested that we should go see it when it comes out when it comes out. But a few minutes later, I remembered Tim Burton's last movie I watched...Alice In Wonderland. The less I say about that, the better. But, there was a bit of a hope spot. I loved Sweeney Todd...so, that's one Burton movie that was good in the 2000s....
I never got to see the movie with my friend when it came out...but she said the movie sucked....so naturally, I had to see it when it came out on DVD.
It blew. It was...bad.
Johnny Depp plays Barnabas Collins, a man who is in love with a woman but, after a jealous fit with someone who's in love with him, she casts a spell on her to kill herself by throwing herself off a cliff. Distraught, he does the same thing, only the jealous girl turns him into a vampire before he hits the ground.
So...what? She traps him to make him his lover? Nope. Get the townsfolk to turn against him and bury him for years and years, while chained up in a wooden box. I would ask why they don't just kill him...but then his spirit would be with his lover's...and the jealous girl doesn't want that.
So, cut the 70s and there's a family who I don't really care much about that has the same last name as he does. Barnabas escapes after construction workers let him lose and he kills them because he's thirsty. As much I think this guy wouldn't be a good guy in my books, he's better than the vampires in Twilight...yeah, because THAT isn't an old joke.
So, he goes to live with the family in the house and only the mother of the family knows that he's a vampire and wants to keep it a secret. I wouldn't mind so much but she says that this HAS to be a secret. Ummm, he said that he would not hurt the family because they are part of the family tree. It's going to be odd at first but...they'll get over it. After all, they live in a GOTHIC CASTLE! And there is a huge picture of Barnabas hung up in the house...and he looks like a vampire!
And then, the jealous girl who turned him into a vampire finds out that he escaped and goes to him...not to lock him back up but to ask him for his love...but he's in love with the governess of the house...and I knew exactly what was going to happen in the climax. If you either watch the beginning of this movie or have read the beginning of this, you'll know what's going to happen in the last few minutes.
The problem with this movie is the tone. It goes through it all. One minute, it's a gothic dramatic story, another minute it's a fish out of water (or fish from another time) story which is trying to be a comedy, then it goes back to horror. I haven't had so many mood whiplashes since the last time I watched a Firefly episode...and that did it right.
Bottom line, this movie does not do the original show justice. And I mean how the Miami Vice movie was made to piss on the original show. Thank God this movie bombed so there wouldn't have to be a sequel.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Junk. This movie is just junk...more junkier than the 1st movie...and I didn't like the 1st one. The first one was stupid. It was apparently SUPPOSED to be stupid, and self aware, but I have watched enough bad movies to not care if it was self aware or not.
But this takes it up a notch...by being worse than the original.
The movie takes place at some sort of waterpark/"Girls Gone Wild" thingamajig. I wonder if this is where the main conflict is going to be. We've got some characters that I just don't care about. They're just flat characters who I don't care if they die or not.
Anyway, after several minutes of "comedy" and David Hassellhoff...because it wouldn't be a self aware movie without The Hoff. He was only there to be a parody of himself. My aunt from New York saw a couple of minutes of this train wreck and asked,
"Is this a parody of Baywatch?" Me: "I hope this is a parody of Batwatch."
So, the piranhas come back because the main character's uncle connected outside water to the water park water...despite her warning him not to. Being an asshole in the movie, he does it anyway, giving the piranhas a chance to eat the people at the newly opened water park.
Wow. The first day of a water park and people are dying. Coney Island didn't have this problem in the first month!
Anyway, it's what you expect, camera close-ups to mortally wounded people, piranhas jumping at the screen making it look like it's 3D but, without the glasses it looks tacky, and Ving Rhames with guns for legs...
I'm sorry. I should repeat that last one. Ving Rhames has guns for legs. And shoots piranhas in the water. I'm still not sure it's either stupid or incredibly stupid....I'm going for incredibly stupid.
So...this movie is horrible. I don't care who thinks I'm being cruel. People like the first one, I didn't...don't judge. This movie is even worse. It's only junk.
Twice the junk. Twice the stupidity. Twice as likely to not get a sequel...at least, let's hope to God there is no sequel.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Apologies for missing last week...I...don't know what I was doing.
Anyway, after many many many many months of wanting to see the sequel to the good Star Trek movie, I finally see it...just one problem.
I should never ever ever look at the back of the DVD cover. Otherwise, there will be spoilers just before you watch the movie...by the way...there are going to be spoilers here.
So, it's the original Star Trek 2...that's pretty much it. The villain is Khan...which leads me right back to what I said looking at the back of the DVD cover.
When I looked at the back of the DVD cover before watching the movie, I saw the villain's name was Khan...it's pretty much like the people were like...
"People know who the villain really is...we're not going to hide the details even if they spend years trying to find the movie when they can afford to buy it. They might as well just watch the original 2nd movie."
Also, everybody knew that the villain was Khan...and it was. So, even if I didn't look at the DVD cover, I wasn't that surprised when he mentioned who he was.
Oh and after a few minutes, Pike dies, which caused me to scratch my head a little bit. Here's why:
In the first movie, Pike barely survived and ended up in a wheel chair at the end. In this movie, he's fine and walking with a cane. Then, Khan appears and shoots several people during a meeting, killing Pike. What was the point of killing Pike at the beginning of this movie, instead of killing him in the 1st movie? So, than Kirk could be inspired enough to gain back control of his ship?
Oh yeah, after a botched side mission, Kirk loses control of his ship because the inhabitants of an island where it took place saw the Enterprise and, after years of not knowing technology, they praise the ship as some sort of God.
Now, I know how the original 2nd movie went. Khan is the most evil villain in the galazy and Spock dies. Now, Khan is damn good in this movie and he did his part well. Don't have much to say, except it was a bit hammy at times.
Oh and there is a role reversal with Kirk and Spock...Kirk dies. Eh. I didn't really care...a part of me is like...
"Like you would really do it. If they brought back Spock in the original 3rd movie, Kirk would be brought back in the sequel."
Well, I was half right. Kirk does come back...about 7 minutes after he dies. How? Spock runs after Khan to kill him after Kirk dies. Then, he is informed that Khan needs to be brought back alive because his blood can cure people's diseases. like the father whose daughter was dying, so Khan made a deal. His blood will help his daughter and the father must sacrifice himself by blowing himself, and the place he worked, up.
As for the rest of the film...I don't remember caring much. It was darker...a little bit darker. It was intense but not completely dark. The stakes were higher and...that's all I could think about.
All and all, the 1st one was better but it was a pretty good sequel. I hope the 3rd one will be better.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Speed 2: Cruise Control
8:30 AM, Sunday morning. In my basement. Holding a bag of Ruffle chips and a huge bottle of Sunny D.
I look at the DVD cover of the movie: Speed 2. Sandra Bulluck looks like she had a haircut, even though she has a full set of hair in the actual movie. Now, I've wanted to watch this movie ever since I heard about how it's one of the worst sequels of all time.
I've never watched the first movie but I got the jest of it...so, after pondering whether or not to watch a better movie...I didn't have another movie...so I had no choice and popped this sucker right in the DVD player.
The movie starts and everything gets going. Sandra Bullock is speeding through traffic in order to pass a driving test....I'm surprised that she didn't kill anybody with her car...maybe she killed Keanu Reeves's character from the 1st movie...it would be a better explanation than breaking up in between movies. We don't have a stoic action star in this movie so we get Jason Patric, instead.
So, Bullock's character and Patric's character are dating and they go to where the majority of the movie takes place...a boat cruise....a very slow boat cruise. We get a bunch of characters which I don't care about...the only notable ones are a deaf girl and Jeremy Hotz, which I thought was a familiar face but when I saw the end credits, I found it was ACTUALLY him. Wow. Great casting. Get a guy who's kind of annoying and get him to play a character who is a bit irritating.
Oh yeah...and there's someone else...William Dafoe. Up until this point, I didn't know that he was in this movie. (I didn't even look at the back of the cover to look at who was in it) Before he even said a word, I was thinking... "
Yeah, this guy is the villain."
And then, after a few chip eating minutes, the plot gets going....something about the boat getting destroyed when it crashes into something...I stopped caring five minutes into the plot, mostly because I knew immediately what was wrong with the movie. The action is on a slow moving boat. While the action was going, I was thinking...
"Okay, the first movie took place on a fast moving bus that had to keep its speed up. In this movie, it's on a slow slow slow moving boat. I wonder if this movie wasn't suck a disaster, Speed 3 would be about a bicycle that would blow up if you get off of it."
So, after not caring about much and just eating the huge bag of chips, the boat is about to crash into an oil rig because Dafoe makes the cruise do that through some techno thing but the Patric character diverts it away...just for the boat to be headed for a small town. So, while the boat is crashing, I'm scratching my head, thinking,
"So, they avoided a disaster...only to crash into the small town, causing damage and possibly killing a few people. So, the Patric isn't really a hero if he's caused this much damage. Cool!"
All while Bullock's character has been kidnapped by Dafoe. Has she contributed anything in this movie? In fact, wasn't she kidnapped in the last movie? In fact, if Sandra Bullock wasn't in this movie...
Wait...I'm willing to bet this was a COMPLETELY different movie. Just take out Bullock out of the movie and replace her with ANY other actress...this isn't a Speed sequel. But, I guess because the 1st one made money...
Either way, this movie is horrible...and it's 2 hours long. A movie this slow and boring is 2 hours long! So many things could have been cut out of the film, kidnapping Bullock's character, a lot of the supporting characters, the whole plot, the fact that this is a clearly a standalone movie, not a Speed sequel. So, when the movie showed the end credits, I saw the horribly CG boat that had crashed into the town and that summed up the entire movie as a whole.
"This whole movie is a shipwreck."